We asked a friend with experience and said this:
1. When I once spent two days straight without talking to any person, including my parents.
2. When even after studying for 12–14 hours a day, my brain couldn’t retain and register anything.
3. When I couldn’t eat anything and had completely lost my appetite and had even said no to chicken. Imagine!
4. I couldn’t sleep even after having a long tiring day and if only I could manage to sleep, nightmares would hit me and I would yell in my sleep. The frequency of that happening had increased.
5. When anything and everything started affecting me, even when it was nowhere related to me.
6. When I didn’t feel like doing anything. Nothing made me feel better. Not even Netflix or Hotstar or an evening walk or a pizza. Nothing.
7. When I cried almost every day, sometimes for no reason at all and sometimes even in public cause holding it in was hard now.
8. When I couldn’t focus on study and couldn’t even solve simple accounts problems which I had solved millions of times.
9. When all I could speak and think was ”pessimism” and “hopelessness”.
10. When I felt super tired like one feels after running for hours, even on a Sunday, when I did absolutely no physical work and was on the sofa all day.
11. When I couldn’t feel any emotion, like grieving for my aunt who died a year ago, fear of upcoming exams, fear of losing my best friend after a fight, excitement about Diwali, Nothing. I felt nothing.
12. When I started taking painkillers even for normal pains, as I had no tolerance left for any kind of it then.
13. When I turned into a person who was always mad and would frequently abuse.
14.When the person in me, who was once punished in her school days for being too talkative and loud, had now become a person, who would just sit in the corner of the college class and won’t participate in the lectures.
Everything became too much for me. Even the smallest things seemed big to me. Simple tasks like picking a call, talking to my classmates in college, climbing up and down the railway stairs, even studying the simplest chapter of the book was hard.
Breathing was hard. Walking was hard. Eating too.
That is when I decided that I had pushed myself enough and couldn’t help myself anymore and I needed a professional.
I will have my 5th session with my therapist this week, and things haven’t drastically changed to all, ”bright and shiny” from ”dark and twisty ” but I do feel better, which I haven’t been feeling for a while.
Now when I see myself, taking care of myself and looking out for my health first than anything else does make me feel better.
Nothing is more important than your health.
Not even your studies.
Not even your job.
Not even the consequences of drop attempt/year.
Not even your guy/girl.
Everything can wait. It’s okay to step back for a while in order to help yourself first. Shake off the other responsibilities you have and take responsibility for your own self first. The world can wait.
Look out for yourself first, and if you don’t feel right, don’t feel any shame to talk about it to your parents and other loved ones and seek help.
I’m glad I consulted a psychologist, else I seriously have no idea what more miserable state I would have been in.